If Cleanliness is Next to Godliness, Then I'm Clearly Satan

I've been inherently lazy since I was just your typical baby hanging out inside my hotel room, minding my own and contemplating room service, until the cleaning lady came and tried to kick me out early, even though I requested a late check out. Well, I rightfully refused and told Housekeeping where to shove it by hooking my foot under my mother's rib cage until they called Security and I was forced to turn in my key card around 12:18pm. Customer Service is a dying art.

Anyways, as I got older, it didn't get any better. When I was just a Small, I developed an aversion to showers. My dad even tried appealing to the classist in me by threatening my social status and telling me that I was going to be the smelly kid in class and did I really want that? I answered his question by playing in the sewer in our front yard.

Now, it's not that I don't like showering. I do. I'm just incredibly, mind bogglingly lazy to a point that I want one of those grabbers my 90 year old grandma had so I can reach the remote when it's fallen on the floor and my fiance isn't home to get it for me. I'm even too lazy to ride around on a Hover-Round cause they just seem like to much of a hassle and I'll probably end up running over someone's small child (On purpose. If I hear a small child violently raping my ear drums with it's scream, I'm going to run it over. Fair's fair).

Showering is just a lot of work. I miss the days when I was a bartender and I could get away with not showering every day because the smell of a 3-day bender is like catnip to your customers. Now I work in a small office where my space heater wafts my new smell of defeat in every direction like a goddamn slap in the face. Every time I walk into the office, I want to apologize to my boss and explain that I didn't shower today because the thought of getting up at 7:30am still makes me want to dry heave after a year and a half of doing it. So, I get up at 8:00 instead, begrudgingly, and quite frankly, you're lucky I'm wearing clean clothes (probably not).