Animal Kingdom < Senior Citizen Buffet Lines

If you've ever watched an Animal Planet special about the food chain and predators vs. prey, then you're familiar with what it looks like when a hungry group of territorial lions circle around a zebra carcass hissing and clawing their way to a feast. This is EXACTLY the same image you will find when a group of senior citizens hit the buffet line.

How do I know this? HOW DON'T YOU KNOW THIS?!?

If you have no idea what I'm referring to and you still think your grandmother is a 4'7" teddy bear made from moth balls, hard candy and the mouth of an angel who's eaten 100 bars of soap, then I am going to encourage you to stop reading...HERE. I don't want to ruin your image of your beloved Nana. *SPOILER ALERT: She's a whore for petite pastries.*

As a banquet coordinator (that's my "official title", read: "assistant/bitch") for a restaurant in Baltimore, I have seen my fair share of events and met a cornucopia of folks. But there is no group of people that I want to slap an eviction notice on more than the group of 100 elderly grumps that shuffled their way into my gourd last year. Allegedly, they were on a tour and we were their stop for lunch. I say allegedly because I'm still not convinced it wasn't an elaborate plot by Jesus trying to coerce me to turn over to the dark side because he CLEARLY does not want to pick me for his kickball team but he doesn't want to look like a douche about it. I CAN KICK A BALL PAST 1ST BASE, JESUS, THANKYOUVERYMUCH.

I digress. Don't get me wrong, I find some old people to be completely adorable. SOME. THESE WERE NOT SOME. I think this group was angry that they had to be awake before noon (that bitter tone you're hearing is my alarm clock murdering my dreams at 7:30am). They came through the doors shaking their canes like they just couldn't believe there was no one there to give them a piggy back ride up the steps because kids these days, I tell ya, no respect for their elders! (If you could re-read that in your best old person voice, that would be very helpful. Thank you.)

So we direct them to their respective tables and inform them that the buffet is ready to go. What happened next was the most awesome display of animalistic instincts mixed with the patience and sharing is NOT caring attitude of a 4 year old. Father Time has the line at a standstill because he can't figure out the difference between fish and chicken, and his comrades are not having it. Apparently when you get old, you also forget that soup requires spoons, so an alarmingly large number of people are complaining that they can't eat their soup with their hands and see no resolution to this quandry.

Old ladies are pilfering desserts so they have currency to trade for cigarettes and porn can have a snack while touring around Ft. McHenry. Old men are pouring coffee straight down their pants to see if anything is still alive down there. Ok, that second part's not true. But they did go through an exorbitant amount of coffee and this now means that group #2 has to wait for more coffee and dessert. AND THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. THEY DID NOT LIVE THROUGH WWI, WWII, THE GREAT DEPRESSION, ETC, ETC, 17 MILES TO SCHOOL IN SNOW BAREFOOT, ETC. TO SUFFER THIS KIND OF INJUSTICE. Now,  because old people have the same concept of time as dogs, 30 seconds feels like 3 hours. One woman asked a server to get more coffee for the coffee station, and as said server was refilling the coffee urn, this same woman complained that they were out of coffee and that girl is taking longer than 10 seconds and I don't LIKE the way she is defiantly igno - oh here she comes -  well it's ABOUT TIME.

After they've eaten everything they possibly could (read: 4 bites of food and all of our souls), they take their stolen wrapped brownies, shove them in their purses and begin to the arduous journey of trying to figure out where they came in. But not before being sure to complain about every last little detail of the nightmare they have just survived on their way out. How dare we only provide 1-2 brownies per person?! Where are we? Communist Russia? How dare you ration my sweets?!? I HAVE DIABET-US!

*Side Note: There was one incredibly adorable couple of about 85 who held hands the entire time. They are exempt from this post. I would have taken them home, but my fiance still won't let me get a pet*

This foray into the behavior of our elderly friends did nothing to quell my distaste for them, except make me REALLY excited for when I turn 90. I am going to be an insufferable bastard with impossible expectations. I swear to all things holy, if my grandchildren don't pour me a bourbon and warm up my hovercraft in record speed, I cannot be held repsonsible for my actions. *Pulls out Ke$ha CDs* You've been warned.